The Throne Room

Some of the greatest concepts in Dead Baby advanced technology have been formulated not astride a banana seat or a racing saddle, but within the chilling embrace of the temperatureless plastic seat topping an American Standard porcelain furnishing. The potty is repaired by Dead Babies in the periodic event of failure via odd hardware plastic-strap nuts, in return for frequent use. And we keep it locked so don't be stealing the TP. There's a key, hanging on a nail in the wall inside the shop, fastened to a bottle opener, creating a tool designed to free fluid for both uploading and downloading. The room used to be painted red inside, but somebody started writing nonsense on the walls and it got slathered with your basic white. Used to be a lot scarier back then.

If Dave didn't have to do the repainting, we would probably write stuff there. And since "Hate City loves Dead Baby" is already written downtown it'd have to be something else. Most likely something witty and suitably naughty, and about bikes, like what the Road Captain e-mailed the one day:

How Sex is like Riding a Bicycle

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere

2. It's best to wear protective headgear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off, get right back on.

13. If you get a flat try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

There is also a sink for checking for pinholes in your flat tube. Remember to get the glass outta the tire! And orangey liquid soap for cleaning off the dirt and bike grease. Two "hot" faucets? Do you believe it? A necessary luxury when the mold grows up and out of the Crock Pot. Also good for washing the crusty ossified hot chocolate out of the mugs.