Phat Sack-rilege

Our BFFVBM
(patience, big gif)

The Lenten season is once again upon us, and while the thrills of Fat Tuesday have left us with at least our livers reborn, baptized by fire-water as it were, eternal damnation still looms everpresent.
Perhaps some prayers and paraphernalia and you can stay the hell out of Bicycle Hell.

Prayer to the Dead Infant Jesus of Cogue
(Cogue, Bikeloslovakia, where the cog was invented)

O Bicycle Jesus, Prince of Peace and King of the Universe, you chose to humble yourself and come into the world, not as a powerful rider, but as a helpless dead infant; grant us the grace of humility and gentleness before you and our brothers and sisters. Grant, too, O Bicycle Lord, that we may always strive to achieve the virtue and innocence of your own Holy Dead Childhood. Instill in us a growing faith in you, O Bicycle Lord, and the strength to resist temptation in a world which so widely rejects you. Look upon us with compassion and forgive us our sins. Fill our hearts with kindness and understanding, especially for dead children, the aged approaching death, and those we dislike or who dislike us.

O Bicycle Jesus, who so loved dead children that you admonished us, "Unless you become like little dead children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven," grant us a dead-child-like faith and purity of heart. Give us the grace not only to pray fervently, but to help spread your Gospel by deed as well as word. Amen

Now nothing says "Get Out of Bicycle Hell, Free" like scapulars. Worn over the shoulders, these are A-1 100% gaur-un-teeeed to save you from the fires of Bicycle Hell, in case of death. Insure yourself on the Tallbikes. The whole scoop hearkens back to St. Simon Sprocket, Butterscotchite monk and hence, extremely devoted bicycle enthusiast.

On July 16, 1251, just 2 days after Bastille Day, St. Simon Sprocket was up in the U-District of Seattle, down from Mt. Butterscotch trying to spread the word of the Butterscotchites, and attempting to found a Butterscotchite order in conjuction with the University.
The Butterscotchites had fallen on hard times, a heavy weight on Simon. All anyone had ever heard of were the Carmelites, and the Hot Fudguits had taken over a lot of the west coast already. As bad luck should have it, his chain derailed as he was biking up the Ave. Reaching down to get the chain back on, he absentmindedly wiped his fingers on the breast of his robe. Looking down at his freshly soiled garb, and remembering his impending meeting, he looked to the sky and cried out.
At that moment, the Blessed Far-From Virgin Bicycle Mutha (BFFVBM) appeared, with the Dead Infant Bicycle Jesus and a snazzy clean vest. Mutha Mary bestowed the garment(scapular) on Simon.
Her words were: "Receive, my beloved son, this scapular of thy Order; it is the special sign of my favor, which I have obtained for thee and for thy children of Mount Butterscotch. He who dies clothed with this habit shall be preserved from eternal fire. It is the badge of salvation, a shield in time of danger, and a pledge of special peace and protection."

When the Divine Hand sees fit to get them here, Our Bishop shall bestow them upon you, with the following investiture:

Receive this Scapular, a sign of your special relationship with Bicycle Mary, the Mother of Bicycle Jesus, Whom you pledge to imitate. By the Scapular, you enter the spiritual family of the Order of the Blessed Far-From-Virgin Bicycle Mary of Mount Butterscotch. Wear it worthily so that, with the help of the Far-From-Virgin Bicycle Mary, you may be clothed with Bicycle Christ Jesus and you may show Him to be alive in you for the spiritual benefit of the Church of Bicycle Jesus and of all humanity. Amen.

Our Lady Herself has said, "Take this Scapular. Whosoever dies wearing it shall not suffer eternal fire. It shall be a sign of salvation, a protection in danger, and a pledge of peace."